Shop Mobile More Submit  Join Login
One for the man who answered the call.  
One for the brother taken too soon.
One for the man who gave his all.  

One for hearts made heavy and sad.
One for families torn apart;
One for a boy now without his dad.

One for the onslaught of tears,
One for the new struggles.
One for so many lost years.

One for the mother's only son,
One for the memories;
One more, one more until this war is won.  

One for the brother coming home under his Nation's flag,
One for the ultimate sacrifice,
One for the man in the body bag.  

One for the love of the fight,
One for family born not of blood.  
One for that final flight.

One for the free.
One for you
Until it's just me.


A final salute for those who no longer hurt,
For the boys who paid the ultimate price;
Twenty one guns for my family in the dirt.
Petty words will never ease the hurt of losing loved ones. Blood means nothing when you're in the
desert except that someone is probably dying. You'll gladly fight for that sad bastard in front of and behind you.

Several more Regulars are making that final ride home. Please keep my boys and their families in your thoughts
until they can come back home at the end of this year.  It hurts to not be there with them. 

Twenty-one lines to emphasize the twenty-one gun salute that we render for our soldiers. In the military, you
become family when you spend a year in the dust. Nothing matches the bond that is created and needed out there.
Nothing.

Critique Me PLEASE by StampsByNeekko
Rough draft. I'm not much of a writer any more, so critiques and tips are greatly appreciated!


READ ME
Feel free to share this poem with other people by linking back here or crediting the poem to me.
Though written from the view from an American soldier, this was written with service members of
all branches belonging to all countries. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmrwootton:
Man. This is a great concept, well-written lyric poetry, which I haven't seen much of on DA so far.

You have a couple lines that could use a another look, purely in terms of rhythm:

4 "One for hearts heavy and sad" - there is a natural pause missing right in the middle. Maybe "One for hearts made heavy and sad"?

7 "Endless tears" is a cliche. Find another word (and an extra syllable) instead of "endless". This is a realistic poem, no need to reach for hyperbolic images.

12 Love the repetition of "one more" in this line. Perfect.

14 Instead of "ultimate" consider using "final" - again, because "ultimate sacrifice" is a cliche (and also a debatable concept) and also because "ultimate" is one syllable too many here

17 This is a great line. It's ambiguous because a family born of blood could be relatives or could be brothers in battle, so it gives the reader a choice of which to salute (or to salute both).

21 Too many syllables, or maybe just too stilted because of the word "shall". It needs something, anyway.

24 "my family" is sonorously clumsy. Although the cant is technically right the line seems to get snarled here. "the family" or "a family" would be best but then you lose the emphasized personal connection (though it's still implied by the poem overall). You could say "our family" though it's still a bit long to say.

Overall, good work, a fitting tribute, definitely one for the pub back home.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
7 out of 7 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconclassynerd16:
ClassyNerd16 Featured By Owner May 10, 2015  New Deviant Student Writer
This is beautiful and sad. Heart 
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner May 19, 2015   Photographer
Thank you.  

I love revisiting it every few months, it's a powerful reminder to embrace what you have now, especially in the military.  
Reply
:iconawesomeartninja:
awesomeartninja Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Student Interface Designer
this is beautiful
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013   Photographer
Thank you.  :heart:
Reply
:iconmethowwolf:
methowwolf Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
A tear for each...
Reply
:iconj-ricaud:
j-ricaud Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
great piece really like it :)
Reply
:icondaniel-rose89:
Daniel-Rose89 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
good
Reply
:iconcygam-7:
Cygam-7 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Traditional Artist
*salute :)
Reply
:icontristencoy:
TristenCoy Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
I love all the emotion in this poem. This is beautiful. Great job!!
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Photographer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontristencoy:
TristenCoy Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student General Artist
No problem!! (:
Reply
:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
This piece is subtle with power fl meaning. In honesty, you had errors in rhyme scheme and in the flow of piece. Something I would very much be willing to discuss more if you would like. For now though, let us all take this moment to honor the fallen.
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Photographer
I'd really appreciate the help! It's been a while since I've seriously written anything and want to give these guys the best that I can.
Reply
:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Student Writer
Well, on the lines which go out very far, cut those short and try to say what you are trying to in a shorter manner. That alone will really help the look and presentation of the piece.
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I feel like I have the makings to be in the military, but my family says I shouldn't. I want to protect my country and fight for it, but I don't want to make my family unhappy.
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
A wise man once told me that "good poetry and good writing in general comes from a place of honesty." I love how much love and raw emotion is in this poem.
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love it!
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I love this!! The emotion is incredible. It makes you feel warm and proud to be behind our troops. A wise man once told me " good poetry and good writing in general comes from a place of honesty" and I beleive this does. Now I have a question. I have always considered being in the military, but a bunch of the people around me say I shouldn't. I don't know. I want to fight for my country and protect it. I feel like I have the right makings, but, I don't know. What do you think?
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012   Photographer
Thank you! =D

I'd say it's entirely up to you. My family wasn't too thrilled about me joining at first either, but it was the best decision I've made. Is there something specific you're looking at doing in the military?
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Not really. I was kinda thinking Army Ranger, buts that about as specific as it gets.
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
lilkatkat Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my gosh!! That is soo touching. The amount of emotion in that is incredible! A wise person once told me that " Good poetry, and good writing in general comes from a place of honesty." I have always thought about going into the military, wanting to fight for my country and protect it, but many of the people I know say i shouldn't. I don't know why. But, I feel like I could. Idk. What do you think?
Reply
:iconattheamidoriangates:
AtTheAmidorianGates Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012
Fantastic...
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2012   Photographer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconelli0777:
elli0777 Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
wow O.O
Reply
:iconshadowkorgoth:
shadowkorgoth Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Correction: Sister.
Reply
:iconshadowkorgoth:
shadowkorgoth Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Afghan Vet here. Great work. You don't see many works like this. Patriotism is sadly becoming less and less popular. Thank you for the support to our nations fallen. I appreciate this brother.
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Aug 19, 2012   Photographer
Thank you.
Reply
:iconedns:
edns Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Student Writer
Al ot of emotion in this, very interesting.
Reply
:iconashurrii24:
ashurrii24 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Very, very beautiful piece! There is just so much emotion in this :D
Reply
:iconunicornomics:
unicornomics Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012   General Artist
A very nice piece,reads well and I like the support of our troops
Reply
:iconroamingtigress:
roamingtigress Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012
I really like the emotion and message here. Beautifully written.
Reply
:iconbri-cx:
Bri-Cx Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Professional Writer
This is really beautiful! I knew a soldier who died last summer. I went to high school with him and he even graduated with my husband. He was a Marine. I never knew him personally, but I interacted with him a few times in a class we both had and he was a really nice guy. It broke my heart when he died. He was only a year younger than me too. I think almost his whole high school class was at the funeral as well as others like me.

Again, very nice poem with a great message!
Reply
:iconaifos96:
Aifos96 Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This is strong, very well written and mving! A great work, a poem you simply do not stop read, you have to finish it. Exellent!
Reply
:iconginger13ninja:
ginger13ninja Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Artist
This is amazing. and it hits deep, If this is just a rough draft the final will probably send me in tears :hug: and here i was thinking you were a photographer only, Boy was a wrong!!
Reply
:iconroyallycrimson:
RoyallyCrimson Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very powerful wake-up call.
Most of us have no idea.
Reply
:iconcrematedman:
CrematedMan Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Student Writer
It is quite a nice piece. Very straight-forward and emotional.
Reply
:iconmylifeinfocus:
MyLifeInFocus Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
A wonderful reminder that no matter whether you're for or against war, that these are humans, men and women, dying, with friends and family who love/loved them! Thank you for this reminder I love this!
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Aug 3, 2012   Photographer
:hug:
Reply
:iconshootingstar37654:
Shootingstar37654 Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This piece is very emotional and touching, especially the last few sentences. I love it!
Reply
:iconone-rosy-cheek:
one-rosy-cheek Featured By Owner Jul 26, 2012
That is so beautiful calling the soldiers family. Very touching.
Really good. My suggestion for flow would be to shorten the line "One for the brother who's coming home under the Nation's flag" and then to change "And the last shall come for me" to "and the last from me". But that is just my two cents. It's about perfect as is.
Reply
:iconbathroomstallstories:
BathroomStallStories Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Student Writer
Beautiful :)
Reply
:iconphilaera:
Philaera Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012
This made me wanna cry... :cry:
It's so true though
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2012   Photographer
:hug:
Reply
:iconpedegg:
pedegg Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
This made me stop and think about how much people sacrifice for us. Very good. Is it weird that I'm listening to an album about a man going through war?

Search The Dear Hunter Son and Father. These two songs were playing while I read this and it's ridiculously coincidental to your poem.

I really loved your poem though!
Reply
:iconheongaiden:
HeonGaiden Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Very inspiring...and interesting too....
Reply
:iconkreepingspawn:
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
:salute:
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012   Photographer
:hug:
Reply
:iconkreepingspawn:
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
How goes?
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012   Photographer
It's been going. Got some interesting updates for next week. =p
Reply
:iconkreepingspawn:
KreepingSpawn Featured By Owner Jul 27, 2012  Professional Digital Artist
Excellent. :) Looking forward to it.
Reply
Add a Comment:
 
×

:icontanikel: More from tanikel


Featured in Collections

Poetry by SplitNinja

Literature by Raven-Red2016


More from DeviantArt



Details

Submitted on
July 16, 2012
File Size
1.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
1,851
Favourites
93 (who?)
Comments
64
×