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Submitted on
July 16, 2012
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One for the man who answered the call.  
One for the brother taken too soon.
One for the man who gave his all.  

One for hearts made heavy and sad.
One for families torn apart
One for a boy now without his dad.

One for the endless tears,
One for the new struggles.
One for so many lost years.

One for the mother's only son,
One for the memories;
One more, one more until this war is won.  

One for the brother coming home under his Nation's flag,
One for the ultimate sacrifice,
One for the man in the body bag.  

One for the love of the fight,
One for family born not of blood.  
One for that final flight.

One for the free.
One for you
Until it's just me.


A final salute for those who no longer hurt,
For the boys who paid the ultimate price;
Twenty one guns for my family in the dirt.
Petty words will never ease the hurt of losing loved ones. Blood means nothing when you're in the
desert except that someone is probably dying. You'll gladly fight for that sad bastard in front of and behind you.

Several more Regulars are making that final ride home. Please keep my boys and their families in your thoughts
until they can come back home at the end of this year.  It hurts to not be there with them. 

Twenty-one lines to emphasize the twenty-one gun salute that we render for our soldiers. In the military, you
become family when you spend a year in the dust. Nothing matches the bond that is created and needed out there.
Nothing.

Critique Me PLEASE by StampsByNeekko
Rough draft. I'm not much of a writer any more, so critiques and tips are greatly appreciated!


READ ME
Feel free to share this poem with other people by linking back here or crediting the poem to me.
Though written from the view from an American soldier, this was written with service members of
all branches belonging to all countries. 
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmrwootton:
Man. This is a great concept, well-written lyric poetry, which I haven't seen much of on DA so far.

You have a couple lines that could use a another look, purely in terms of rhythm:

4 "One for hearts heavy and sad" - there is a natural pause missing right in the middle. Maybe "One for hearts made heavy and sad"?

7 "Endless tears" is a cliche. Find another word (and an extra syllable) instead of "endless". This is a realistic poem, no need to reach for hyperbolic images.

12 Love the repetition of "one more" in this line. Perfect.

14 Instead of "ultimate" consider using "final" - again, because "ultimate sacrifice" is a cliche (and also a debatable concept) and also because "ultimate" is one syllable too many here

17 This is a great line. It's ambiguous because a family born of blood could be relatives or could be brothers in battle, so it gives the reader a choice of which to salute (or to salute both).

21 Too many syllables, or maybe just too stilted because of the word "shall". It needs something, anyway.

24 "my family" is sonorously clumsy. Although the cant is technically right the line seems to get snarled here. "the family" or "a family" would be best but then you lose the emphasized personal connection (though it's still implied by the poem overall). You could say "our family" though it's still a bit long to say.

Overall, good work, a fitting tribute, definitely one for the pub back home.
What do you think?
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:iconawesomeartninja:
awesomeartninja Featured By Owner Aug 4, 2013  Student Interface Designer
this is beautiful
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2013   Photographer
Thank you.  :heart:
Reply
:iconmethowwolf:
methowwolf Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
A tear for each...
Reply
:iconj-ricaud:
j-ricaud Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
great piece really like it :)
Reply
:icondaniel-rose89:
Daniel-Rose89 Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2012
good
Reply
:iconcygam-7:
Cygam-7 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012   Traditional Artist
*salute :)
Reply
:icontristencoy:
TristenCoy Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
I love all the emotion in this poem. This is beautiful. Great job!!
Reply
:icontanikel:
tanikel Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012   Photographer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontristencoy:
TristenCoy Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student General Artist
No problem!! (:
Reply
:icontristancody:
TristanCody Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
This piece is subtle with power fl meaning. In honesty, you had errors in rhyme scheme and in the flow of piece. Something I would very much be willing to discuss more if you would like. For now though, let us all take this moment to honor the fallen.
Reply
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