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One for the man who answered the call.
One for the brother taken too soon.
One for the man who gave his all.
One for hearts made heavy and sad.
One for families torn apart;
One for a boy now without his dad.
One for the onslaught of tears,
One for the new struggles.
One for so many lost years.
One for the mother's only son,
One for the memories;
One more, one more until this war is won.
One for the brother coming home under his Nation's flag,
One for the ultimate sacrifice,
One for the man in the body bag.
One for the love of the fight,
One for family born not of blood.
One for that final flight.
One for the free.
One for you
Until it's just me.
A final salute for those who no longer hurt,
For the boys who paid the ultimate price;
Twenty one guns for my family in the dirt.
One for the brother taken too soon.
One for the man who gave his all.
One for hearts made heavy and sad.
One for families torn apart;
One for a boy now without his dad.
One for the onslaught of tears,
One for the new struggles.
One for so many lost years.
One for the mother's only son,
One for the memories;
One more, one more until this war is won.
One for the brother coming home under his Nation's flag,
One for the ultimate sacrifice,
One for the man in the body bag.
One for the love of the fight,
One for family born not of blood.
One for that final flight.
One for the free.
One for you
Until it's just me.
A final salute for those who no longer hurt,
For the boys who paid the ultimate price;
Twenty one guns for my family in the dirt.
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Petty words will never ease the hurt of losing loved ones. Blood means nothing when you're in the
desert except that someone is probably dying. You'll gladly fight for that sad bastard in front of and behind you.
Several more Regulars are making that final ride home. Please keep my boys and their families in your thoughts
until they can come back home at the end of this year. It hurts to not be there with them.
Twenty-one lines to emphasize the twenty-one gun salute that we render for our soldiers. In the military, you
become family when you spend a year in the dust. Nothing matches the bond that is created and needed out there.
Nothing.
Rough draft. I'm not much of a writer any more, so critiques and tips are greatly appreciated!
READ ME
Feel free to share this poem with other people by linking back here or crediting the poem to me.
Though written from the view from an American soldier, this was written with service members of
all branches belonging to all countries.
desert except that someone is probably dying. You'll gladly fight for that sad bastard in front of and behind you.
Several more Regulars are making that final ride home. Please keep my boys and their families in your thoughts
until they can come back home at the end of this year. It hurts to not be there with them.
Twenty-one lines to emphasize the twenty-one gun salute that we render for our soldiers. In the military, you
become family when you spend a year in the dust. Nothing matches the bond that is created and needed out there.
Nothing.
Rough draft. I'm not much of a writer any more, so critiques and tips are greatly appreciated!
READ ME
Feel free to share this poem with other people by linking back here or crediting the poem to me.
Though written from the view from an American soldier, this was written with service members of
all branches belonging to all countries.
© 2012 - 2024 tanikel
Comments68
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Overall Vision Originality Technique ImpactMan. This is a great concept, well-written lyric poetry, which I haven't seen much of on DA so far.
You have a couple lines that could use a another look, purely in terms of rhythm:
4 "One for hearts heavy and sad" - there is a natural pause missing right in the middle. Maybe "One for hearts made heavy and sad"?
7 "Endless tears" is a cliche. Find another word (and an extra syllable) instead of "endless". This is a realistic poem, no need to reach for hyperbolic images.
12 Love the repetition of "one more" in this line. Perfect.
14 Instead of "ultimate" consider using "final" - again, because "ultimate sacrifice" is a cliche (and also a debatable concept) and also because "ultimate" is one syllable too many here
17 This is a great line. It's ambiguous because a family born of blood could be relatives or could be brothers in battle, so it gives the reader a choice of which to salute (or to salute both).
21 Too many syllables, or maybe just too stilted because of the word "shall". It needs something, anyway.
24 "my family" is sonorously clumsy. Although the cant is technically right the line seems to get snarled here. "the family" or "a family" would be best but then you lose the emphasized personal connection (though it's still implied by the poem overall). You could say "our family" though it's still a bit long to say.
Overall, good work, a fitting tribute, definitely one for the pub back home.