deviant art

Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
[x]
Download File
HTML, 1.1 KB
more ▶

More from =tanikel

Featured in Groups:

Details

July 16, 2012
1.1 KB
Link
Thumb

Statistics

Comments: 59
Favourites: 82 [who?]

Views: 1,460 (0 today)
Downloads: 10 (0 today)
[x]
One for the man who answered the call.  
One for the brother taken too soon.
Another for the man who gave it his all.  

One for hearts heavy and sad.
One for families torn apart
And one for a boy now without his dad.

One for the endless tears,
One for the new struggles.
Another for so many lost years.

One for the mother's only son,
One for the memories;
And one more, one more until this war is won.  

One for the brother who's coming home under the Nation's flag,
One for the ultimate sacrifice,
One for the man in the body bag.  

One for the love of the fight,
One for family born not of blood.  
One for that final flight.

One for the free.
One for you
And the last shall come for me.

A final salute for those who no longer hurt,
For the boys who paid the ultimate price;
Twenty one guns for my family in the dirt.
:icontanikel:
Petty words will never ease the hurt of losing loved ones. Blood means nothing when you're in the desert except that someone is probably dying. You'll gladly fight for that sad bastard in front of and behind you.

Several more Regulars are making that final ride home. Please keep my boys and their families in your thoughts until they can come back home at the end of this year. Makes me miss being out in the desert with them.

Twenty-one lines to emphasize the twenty-one gun salute that we render for our soldiers. In the military, you become family when you spend a year in the dust. Nothing matches the bond that is created and needed out there. Nothing.


Rough draft. Figured I'd throw it up here to get some help from those whose skills lie in words and not fights.


:bulletred::bulletred::bulletred:READ ME:bulletred::bulletred::bulletred:
Feel free to share this poem with other people by linking back here or crediting the poem to me. I'd love to get this poem out and stir the patriotism for all people to their service members.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconmrwootton:
Man. This is a great concept, well-written lyric poetry, which I haven't seen much of on DA so far.

You have a couple lines that could use a another look, purely in terms of rhythm:

4 "One for hearts heavy and sad" - there is a natural pause missing right in the middle. Maybe "One for hearts made heavy and sad"?

7 "Endless tears" is a cliche. Find another word (and an extra syllable) instead of "endless". This is a realistic poem, no need to reach for hyperbolic images.

12 Love the repetition of "one more" in this line. Perfect.

14 Instead of "ultimate" consider using "final" - again, because "ultimate sacrifice" is a cliche (and also a debatable concept) and also because "ultimate" is one syllable too many here

17 This is a great line. It's ambiguous because a family born of blood could be relatives or could be brothers in battle, so it gives the reader a choice of which to salute (or to salute both).

21 Too many syllables, or maybe just too stilted because of the word "shall". It needs something, anyway.

24 "my family" is sonorously clumsy. Although the cant is technically right the line seems to get snarled here. "the family" or "a family" would be best but then you lose the emphasized personal connection (though it's still implied by the poem overall). You could say "our family" though it's still a bit long to say.

Overall, good work, a fitting tribute, definitely one for the pub back home.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
6 out of 6 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

love 5 5 joy 1 1 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 1 1 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:iconj-ricaud:
Mood: Joy ~j-ricaud Dec 1, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
great piece really like it :)
Reply
:iconcygam-7:
Mood: Love *Cygam-7 Nov 30, 2012   General Artist
*salute :)
Reply
:icontristencoy:
Mood: Love ~TristenCoy Nov 30, 2012  Student General Artist
I love all the emotion in this poem. This is beautiful. Great job!!
Reply
:icontanikel:
=tanikel Dec 3, 2012   Photographer
Thank you so much!
Reply
:icontristencoy:
~TristenCoy Dec 3, 2012  Student General Artist
No problem!! (:
Reply
:icontristancody:
*TristanCody Nov 30, 2012  Student Writer
This piece is subtle with power fl meaning. In honesty, you had errors in rhyme scheme and in the flow of piece. Something I would very much be willing to discuss more if you would like. For now though, let us all take this moment to honor the fallen.
Reply
:icontanikel:
=tanikel Dec 3, 2012   Photographer
I'd really appreciate the help! It's been a while since I've seriously written anything and want to give these guys the best that I can.
Reply
:icontristancody:
*TristanCody Dec 6, 2012  Student Writer
Well, on the lines which go out very far, cut those short and try to say what you are trying to in a shorter manner. That alone will really help the look and presentation of the piece.
Reply
:iconlilkatkat:
~lilkatkat Sep 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I feel like I have the makings to be in the military, but my family says I shouldn't. I want to protect my country and fight for it, but I don't want to make my family unhappy.
Reply
Add a Comment: